Wanted: Middle-Aged Mom

Wanted: Middle-Aged Mom

Our organization is seeking a highly skilled and talented individual to fill the position of middle-aged mom. This is a contract position that includes work-from-home privileges yet also requires long hours, travel, and sometimes unfavorable working conditions.

Candidates should possess the following:

  • Skills to manage 1-10 children ranging in ages, abilities, and interests.
  • Expert anger management skills.
  • Cooking skills that rival short-order cooks and Julie Childs combined.
  • Will need to sort, fold, and disseminate 8-12 loads of laundry a week.
  • Ability to plan ahead hourly, weekly, monthly, and annually to maintain people, cars, home repairs, bills, and possible unforeseen expenses and accidents.
  • Ability to keep track of everyone’s events, practices, school projects, deliveries, clothing and personal hygiene needs, including your own and the husband’s.
  • Financial management skills to ensure adequate spending of family budget and avoid over-spending and debt on an income that will never seem like enough.
  • Will need to attend to toddlers while simultaneously breaking up sibling disagreements and limiting screen time for teenagers.
  • Excessive travel required including many repetitive and mind-numbing trips to sporting events, practices, rehearsals, lessons, performances, etc. often at dinnertime and evening hours when you have the least amount of energy.
  • Ability to strategically implement and execute dinner and feeding of many people nightly with such hands-free equipment as crockpot, bread machine, and rice cookers as well as other make-ahead, preset cooking appliances while undertaking excessive travel.
  • Must demonstrate skills in educational understanding from K-12 including common core standards and help children with homework at multiple levels, at the same time.

Candidates Might Also Possess:

  • Overgrown highlights and/or layers with option gray hair showing at hairline
  • Worn out jeans, slightly out of style
  • Comfortable shoes, with inability to tolerate heels or shoes over two inches
  • Home with well-loved, gently used furniture with kid and pet stains
  • Minimum of 5-10 pounds extra body weight, preferably around waistline
  • Ability to laugh and or cry at a moment’s notice
  • A positive attitude, when possible
  • Candidates without noticeable crows feet or smile lines need not apply

Perks:

  • Free hugs and kisses including random “I love you’s”
  • Unconditional love
  • Seasonal bonuses including hand-made craft gifts at all holidays
  • Potential assistants to help with cleaning and cooking (Note: you will need to manage these assistants)
  • Movie/TV watching partners
  • Unlimited Sponge Bob rights
  • Card and board game partners
  • Halloween Candy pilfering rights
  • Saturday morning snuggles
  • Sense of accomplishment and purpose in your life

Candidate will be issued a standard ten-year-old minivan to accomplish tasks related to the position. Payment in the form of love and verbal thanks will be available for deposit on acceptance of the position.

And now, in case you need more of a laugh, here’s a link to the funniest help ads ever.

Lauren Hunter

Lauren is a daughter of Christ, wife, mom of 4, writer, blogger, worship leader and lover of the “big picture” of God’s journey we are all on together.

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